『Argue the Right Way』

Arguments can happen in the healthiest and happiest of relationships. We all have differences of opinions and they are normal in any relationship not just with our partners. Often a good argument can clear the air and help us get issues off our chest but the problems occur when an argument turns hurtful and leaves scars that are difficult to heal. Words do wound so it's imperative that we argue effectively so an argument doesn't spell the end of our partnership.

1. Stay Calm
   Stay calm. Once you begin to yell or insult the other person, they will stop listening to you. It is of course difficult to remain collected when you feel strongly about something, but it is in your best interest to do so.


2. Cool Off
   Some may find that staying calm at the heat of an argument impossible, so it's a good idea to have some time out to cool off before taking up the argument again. Though that might seem like a strange idea as walking away from a heated argument is the last thing on anybody's mind but research shows a short break can actually be more productive. However, you should remember not to avoid a confrontation but merely giving yourself and the other party time to cool off enough to think clearly so the disagreement can be resolved properly. John Gottman, a psychologist, explains in Psychology Today, "People have an emotional refractory period during which it's hard for them to think clearly. It's important to take a break for at least half hour and settle down - while thinking about something else. Start again when both parties are calmer."


3. Listen First
   Let the other person speak first. It is human nature to want to be heard first because we tend to get emotional during arguments. We feel like what we have to say is far more important than what the other person has to say. When you let someone speak before you, they are relieved to have gotten their feelings off their chest. When someone is not 'waiting for their turn' they are more likely to listen to you.


4. Pay Attention
   Pay attention to what they say. Respect the other person's point of view; you do not have to like it, but hear them out. isn't it frustrating when someone is not listening to you? Do not use the time that the other person is speaking to plan your next statement, but instead to actually listen. Who knows, you might actually have a breakthrough and understand the root of the disagreement. After listening, respond in an understanding, compassionate way and apologize if appropriate. Questions such as, "What do you need here?" will do wonders!


5. Talk About Your Own Feelings
   After listening to the other party patiently, it's then time for you to share about your feelings and needs. If you've acknowledged the other person's feelings at the same time, this won't sound defensive. Tell the other person what you need from them.


6. Don't Accuse
   When it's your turn to express yourself remember to refrain from becoming accusatory or getting angry, if possible. At times this can be difficult because if we are passionate enough about an issue to engage in an argument about it, emotions are undoubtedly high. The danger is that sometimes when we get angry we may explained in the following pointer.


7. Don't Say Never and Always
   Because it is usually not true. For example you may want more help around the house so by fighting with him for not doing the dishes, so you say, "You never do the dishes." This will most likely result in him saying "What about when ...." This won't achieve your desired outcome and instead have him on the defensive.


8. Don't Say "I Hate You"
   Don't say 'I hate you' or other similar things you don't mean. Regardless of how worked up or angry you get don't say things you don't mean, no matter how tempting it is. You can say "I hate it when you do this/say that ..." but don't say you hate them. There may be no going back from that!
   


9. Let Bygones be Bygones
   Always remember to stick to the issue at hand and not drag past issues into the argument as that would only make things worse. Not only will it not help resolve the present issues, it can make both parties more emotional and finally lose focus ending the argument with plenty of unresolved issues.


10. No Name Calling
    Even if you think your partner is the biggest idiot during an argument, resist the urge to tell him so! Using insults is hardly going to get your partner to see your point of view and will likely result in alienating him more. People will remember the names you call them even when the argument has ended.


11. Rely On Your Own Opinions
    No matter how tempting it is don't bring others into your argument. For example, "My friends hate this about you too." Let your opinions stand on their own. Bringing friends' or families' thoughts into an argument with your partner is not only unfair to him but also to them. It can lead to bigger issues like him feeling resentful towards your friends.


12. Work Towards a Solution
    If your partner says, "We're not going on dates like we usually do because you're working so hard," you might suggest dates you're available instead of ending up being defensive by giving an angry retort such as, "I work so hard for the family!" Remember to understand the bottom line of an argument - for the previous example, he only wants to spend more time with you and that in a bigger picture is a good thing.


13. Follow Up
    People don't always say everything they want to say the first time around, so take another pass. Often, the initial argument covers only the leading-edge feeling. If you don't go back and ask if there's anything else, you'll wind up revisiting the issue in another fight down the line.

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Argue Effectively

Incorporate Humor: If an argument look like it's going to turn vicious despite your best efforts, a little silliness may help to diffuse the situation. When you sense tempers rising, don't be afraid to throw in some random goofy comment. For instance: "Hey, wouldn't you rather see my belly button than fight about this?" Unexpected levity will almost always derail the argument from reaching fever pitch, and once you've shared a laugh together, you can move back into discussing the topic at hand with a little more good will towards each other.

Be the Bigger Person: Regardless of who 'wins' try not to let any hard feelings carry over into your relationship with the other person. A mature individual will accept another's point of view without punishing them for making a better argument.

Start sentences with "I": For example "I feel like this..." instead of "You make me feel like this..." Using "I" owns the feelings and doesn't make your partner feel attacked. Using "you" will make your partner feel criticised and responsible for your emotions.


Source: Beauty & Lace and Psychology Today
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Source : Jusco Pearl magazine